Confessions

1/15/11

Today was not the best of days. I was edgy and not really looking forward to a day full of unknowns. Sleeping for only three and a half hours will do that to you. With my metabolism running behind eating my yogurt with granola left me feeling sicker to my stomach than anything. It was peach. I love peach yogurt and I couldn't fully enjoy it. FML. With Will I ran over to the market to get some back up food for the day, not knowing what the food situation would be. I bought another thing of fruit yogurt, haven't eaten the first yet, and another Kase cheese roll. I really love all the cobble stone walkways and roads that are everywhere. They add to the beauty of the world I feel. Today we traveled by train to get to a concentration camp, first the wrong way and then back. I am realizing now how amazing the tube system is. Here you have to buy tickets, which can be used whenever, but then you have to validate them. Doing so stamps them with the time that they are no longer useful. We stopped at one station and had to wait for another train. My boss Allison Stephens had been on this trip before, and told me that I should get pretzels whenever I could. Spotting a stand I decided to get one. It was called Kase Brezel, or maybe that was the pretzel. It was covered in cheese and absolutely delicious. On the second train I ended up sleeping most of the way. Truth be told, I started out with reading and then stopped as I started to fall asleep. Nothing like The Trials and Death of Socrates to put you out of this world.

We walked to the concentration camp that is now the Memorial and Museum of Sachsenhausen operated. Sachsenhausen was one of the first concentration camps, the one where all others were to be modeled after. We were given audio guides that looked like a giant magnifying glass that you just put to your ear and away we went. I saw Gillian standing by a metal model of the camp listening to a real tour guide. I went and stood next to her while the person finished. After a quick hello she said goodbye and went on her tour, which lasted four hours, we were given two and a half to do our own self guided tours. Walking into the camp on a road along the fence was slightly creepy. Every step I had the though about how someone had to walk this path, knowing that they were being locked away but not knowing the horribleness of all to come. I went through the main gate, the roll-call area, the reconstruction of two barracks, a prison, the kitchen, to a monument to the beating down of fascism. There was the execution trench where they shot and hung people, burial grounds with ashes, and then there was the site of the crematory. After that there was the industrial work yard where people made boots or cut wood, the infirmary barracks that had been extended to hold more of the sick (not an act of good will but an investment to keep the needed slave labor) and the pathology building with its cellar mortuary, a location for human experiments, bisections, and storing the dead that were originally burned off site. All around was the walls, the towers, and a constant reminder of darkness.

One of the most interesting stories was about a string quartet that practiced in the mortuary every night. I have no idea how they even managed to get the instruments in - especially the cello. Looking at the ethics of it all they risked everything to practice an instrument, for what, a little big of beauty. They put their lives on the line for something greater, happiness. Aristotle believes that people aim for happiness as the single end that we pursue. In terms of greater good, at first the players were putting themselves at risk but in the end, as they never got caught, they were able to bring their happiness from their playing back to the people. The players somehow managed to start giving concerts for the other prisoners. By putting their lives a secondary value, they placed the group as a whole as the priority and brought them happiness. Mill would say they did the greater good by making that decision as they stopped pain by helping the people forget about the horribleness of their lives and brought a bright beauty into a dark world where there was almost no light of happiness.

I must confess, when being at the camp the most impactful thing to me was not the buildings, the artifacts, or even the personal stories being told. It was the dirt. My hiking shoes are tough and have a good sole. Each step I took I left an imprint digging into the mud, pushing the gravely dirt, or displacing a rock. I had it easy, so easy, compared to all the thousands of people who walked here enslaved. This was dirt that had robbed bodies of heat, absorbed the sweat and blood, and had given way to the feet of less well shod men and women. This was a dirt where you could feel the pain, the turmoil, and the lack of hope. It was a grime that I could feel, grime that people imprisoned here carried with them, the embodiment of a past time with no escape. This dirt holds all the crimes against the imprisoned and will forever be imprisoned there. I value life and its quality, causing my ethics call for me to act to improve life. What could I do to act? Nothing. All I could do was walk around, take in the sights and learn more about what happened. It was depressing. I was helpless to act on my ethics, to help someone, to reach out and be the support someone needs. Instead my feet became weary and my back started to feel the strain from carrying a backpack around and I was reminded that what I faced now was nothing compared to what these people had to face. How about their ethics? Were they able to keep up a positive force for the quality of life? Would I be able to? When we are forced to the bottom of our Maslow's Hierarchy of needs we are forced down to a less intellectual pursuit, survival. Would I lose most of them when everyday my life and others were placed in danger because my needs were never being fulfilled? All I know is that I would like to say I would, but we have no idea how far our ethics will bend to make a choice that will allow us to live to make another decision. All I can hope is that I never have to be placed in that type of situation where I must choose my own life or my ethics. I personally would like to keep both.

I didn't really speak much to anyone while at the camp. It didn't feel right somehow.

I used the way back to get out of that mindset, as I knew I would be thinking about it again for this blog. I listened to my iPod and played Sudoku, managing to beat a medium round and set a new best time. Back at the hotel we had a short break - typing - and then class. Today we talked about Kant and Hume. Our group's biggest question, we gave our opinions and didn't know what our professor was looking for when asking questions. Its hard, being in a class where you don't have a solid grounding in the language, dang, its hard being in a country where you don't understand the language. We finally got where we were suppose to go in the end. Just took us forever. Its hard replicating the words of another person when you aren't sure that your translation you have made is correct.

The unknowns were finally made clear when I had a conversation with Greg. I won't talk about the discussion exactly but I will talk about my moral standings on drinking instead.

I don't drink. Check. Got that out of the way. Do I hold it against those that do? No, not really. You see, my problem with drinking has always been about the behavior and the legality of it. We aren't suppose to drink until we are 21 in the hope that we can make better decisions about drinking with our older more developed minds, or at least that is how I see it. Funny, the brain isn't fully developed until around 25, but that is a different subject. Having respect for the law, which is created to help protect us all and maintain order, helps keep the quality of life. A world full of crime would be a dangerous place. Not respecting the law could lead to more broken laws that can have dire consequences. I know I am giving a slippery slope example, but much of what influences our thoughts is subtle (and when we can't think straight we don't always make the best decisions). I want to maintain life and its quality so I am a big advocate for not drinking underage. During this trip legality isn't an issue for me as it is completely legal to drink here. The behavior is what gets to me. Part of that comes down to the expense and time spent in the activity. Drinking is often a means to an end, often social interaction. Hanging out at Student Affair parties in Portland I know that the more the alcohol means more social interaction, a lot more. For a lot of people drinking is a good investment as it gets them what they want. For me, I feel that drinking would be a waste of time. I am not saying that it is a waste for people if it gets them to that end, but spending time doing something to reach an end I can do without that mean is a waste for me. Add in the cost and it really becomes that. This time it comes to the pocketbook. I can think of so many other things I would like to spend my money on, like an amazing camera. I am aware that people can drink just because they enjoy drinking, but for me I don't want to find myself in that position. Loving a vice can make it harder to quit or resist when you need to.

 What I have loved about this trip, and several other parties I have been to, is that the people were generally being responsible. When people are drinking in such a way that they start acting really stupid, can't function normally, or become a danger to themselves or others my ethics raise a red flag. Going back to life and its quality, being intoxicated affects a person's ability to make good decisions. This means that they are more likely to make a decision that puts their life, or others, as well as the quality of their life in danger. This screams foul for my ethics because I value other people's lives and its quality. Looking at the monetary aspect, people spending money on alcohol could be spending it on things that improve the quality of life that they have in a healthier way, so that is negative to my overall ethics. Also, in my value of life, I like having "control" over myself. What would life be if we didn't have the ability to make our own intellectual decisions? I feel the quality of life is dependent on that freedom of choice and the ability to make the best choice, the decision that could improve your life or at least keep you alive. Without that control our quality of life is both decreased and has the greater chance to be significantly decreased due to our choices. This obviously adds a safety factor. The safer you are the less risk there is to life and its quality. Drinking can decrease that safety. I am not denying that drinking can be done responsibly or safely, I have seen this done both here and in the states, but I don't like that people take that risk of losing control, whether we know it or not. When it comes down to it, as long as people don't lose control my ethics are unscathed. Drinking for me though on this trip...I have decided just not to do it. Sorry Kameron, you can't live vicariously through me. I almost did drink and I had actually thought about doing it during this break. Instead my instincts kicked in and guided me not to drink and other matters have led me not to want to be associated with drinking. Of course their is other baggage too - stories for a different time. Drinking is legal here but I would rather just wait. It just feels right to me. After all, I have only 69 more days. Why start drinking a lot when I can say I didn't really start drinking until I was 21? Keeping to what I feel right is better than giving it up just because the opportunity is there to change the path I am walking.

Dinner was a bit of a flop. We went back to the bar where I had the amazing orange torte thing. Tonight was far less spectacular. I ended up ordering a hamberger. I felt like that was failure, as I have been avoiding anything that is "American". I guess what came out doesn't really count though. It tasted like it consisted of pork and had onion cooked right in. Kind of had a more rubbery consistency. The potato salad I had was just a tad oily - kind of like a salad dressing.

Will hasn't been sleeping too well, as I apparently have started snoring...a lot. In order to let him get more sleep I stayed up a later to let him get asleep before I do so he won't be kept up in case I start snoring.